Disjunct

I feel like I’m winning at life. It’s not like my situation has visibly changed from Wednesday – still job hunting, volunteering, and looking for ways to be better. Still waiting, worrying and thinking a lot. Why, then, do I feel so victorious? Like I’ve been given the job of my dreams or fallen in love all over again?

Could it be the morning yoga?

Could it be the slightly excessive consumption of chocolate I endured an hour ago?

Or indulging my love of fantasy literature for a few short hours earlier?

It could be a combination of all the above. It’s funny, I think I’m above self-denial because I know myself well and try to reflect on my personality fairly often. These past few weeks most definitely tell me I am NOT. I applied for a position I believed I was perfect for a month or two ago, and smashed all the interviews out of the park – or so I had thought. A few weeks after the last interview, I hadn’t gotten any congratulatory calls. As the days went by, I felt more and more upset, but convinced myself it wasn’t because I hadn’t heard any result, it was due to not hearing from ANY companies and my depreciating bank account. I enquired about it this week, and finally had an in-depth conversation about my application and performance. As it turns out, it wasn’t that I wasn’t good enough – I lived in the wrong state! I was given some really lovely and positive feedback, and that made my spirits soar.

After some thinking, I don’t believe it was their belated reply that affected my mentality so much. I believe it was the disjunct between my perceived performance, and the reality of the situation (or what I believed to be the situation – by this stage, of course, I had stupidly built it up to enormous proportions). I was upset, of course, because I had thought I had done really well and proved myself, yet – why wasn’t I given the job? Oh right, I must’ve failed somewhere. Oh, but course, it must be me – my skills, attributes, or my ideas must all be terrible.

All that seems so silly, now that I know it was something (more or less) out of my control, and that I had done as well as I had originally thought.  It made me realise I have a great fear of becoming disconnected from reality. I don’t want to be one of those people – those that believe they have certain strengths but it’s all talk and no action. Acta non verba.

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